“That’s really none of my business.”

Ever shared something bothering you and someone responds with, “Just let it go?” If you’re like me, you’ve probably wanted to shout, “But how?!” or, “I’m not Elsa I can’t just let it go!”

We all have things we need to let go of- I’m not talking objects (although yes, also true), I’m talking about the stuff beyond our control that gets under our skin and bothers us even when it doesn’t belong to us. It could be as trivial as a mother-in-law having their cat’s chakras balanced in lieu of litter box training or as significant as a friend not leaving a toxic relationship. In both cases, you could probably tell them they’re making a huge mistake, and in both cases they probably wouldn’t hear you.

So what to do? How do we put distance between us and the “stuff” that doesn’t belong to us? How do we “let it go?” I have a few approaches below, but before I share that, I want to point out there exist situations beyond our control that directly impact us- I’m not answering that question here, and I’m not suggesting you let that go- that’s just a different blog post.

My professional approach to this issue, since I do not control the clients I see (thank goodness), is rooted in the National Association of Social Workers Code of Ethics. Our Code of Ethics outlines our values and guiding principles. My favorite is the one acknowledging the “inherent dignity and worth of the person.” It reminds me that while I may think I have the right answers, it is not my role to fix problems, choose solutions, or magic away struggle. Doing so would signal to a client they do not have capacity to fix things for themselves, trust their own judgement, or have strength enough for the challenges they face. The Code of Ethics also emphasizes my responsibility to “respect and promote” self-determination. The way I phrase this to clients is, “I may know some stuff, but you know you best.” When I catch myself thinking, “But if you just do _____,” or, “It would be so much easier if you ____,” I make a conscious effort to reorient my thinking to the Code I signed onto as a social worker. When this eloquent solution fails, I replay the mental recording of my mentor reminding me, “Clients reserve the right to make their own decisions.”

But what about when it isn’t my client, but a friend, family member, or acquaintance? In those cases I find it difficult to apply the Code of Ethics. To be honest, I didn’t really have a good solution to this until fairly recently. when my next door neighbor shared this TikTok with me. The content creator details a running list of the things that are “none of [her] business.” Her list includes the appearance of the back of her hair, what she looks like while in an exercise class, what Apple is charging her $4.99 a month for, and a few other things. The words, “That’s really none of my business” became a comedic catchphrase amongst our houses. And then I noticed I was saying it internally, almost automatically, when I caught myself ruminating (an inconvenient hobby of mine).

Rumination is a hard hamster wheel to stop, so when I found myself suddenly able to shift my attention, I was both surprised and amused. Why could this catchphrase snap me out of it, when years of telling myself, “Let it go,” or “not right now,” didn’t work? My current theory on why “that’s really none of my business” has helped is two-fold. One: I think it inserts some humor into the moment which disrupts the emotional pull involved in perpetuating rumination. Two: by the time I was repeating the phrase internally, I was delivering the line (to myself) with the casual confidence and flippant attitude asserted by the content creator, making it more believable. Kind of a, “Not what you say but how you say it” type thing. It’s setting a more effective internal boundary.

So there you have it, my clinical and non-clinical way of letting go of what doesn’t belong to me. A gentle suggestion: maybe don’t announce “that’s really none of my business” to an unsuspecting person.